I don’t want the world to define God for me. I want the Holy Spirit to reveal God to me.
A.W. Tozer
I am so tired. Lately my questions have only been met with more questions. Nothing in my life feels settled right now. It is hard to put it into words what God has been asking of me lately. The words I use to explain what He is asking are a far cry from the incredibly deep longings my soul has been feeling. And the truth? I am terrified to see what God is trying to reveal to me. I am scared to death that if I taste and see, that maybe He won’t be good. Maybe, He is not who I thought He was. My weary heart feels the physical pull of the world, and I am scared.
As I have gotten deeper into my 26th year of life, the thought of it being just me and Jesus till the end, has been a question often on my mind. No, I am not looking for pity or sorrow. I told myself to be honest when I write these, so if you’re uncomfortable, quit reading now. With that comes an even more profound question. If it is just me and Jesus for the rest of my life, will He be enough? This is not something that I think of lightly. Over these past 6 months, I have had the chance to be more alone than I ever have in my life. I can go days without speaking to another human being, and in those times, God is the only one seeing me every day. Thus, the questioning began. When I am lonely, is God enough? When I want someone to talk to after work, and the rest of the world is asleep, is God enough? At the grocery store shopping and I want someone to go with me, is God enough?
I feel like Jacob wrestling with God. Screaming out, “Why me??” Why do I have to be the one to process these questions? What are You trying to show me through them? Why is it so hard to do what is right? If I can’t have what I want, why do I continue to ardently want it?
Marriage, a husband, and kids have become a thorn in my side. I have come to realize that I may have idolized marriage a bit. It feels safer than being single. If I am married, my desire will be for my husband and kids. Not that I don’t have to follow God, just that the role of a wife is more defined in the Bible than a single woman. I would know what to do as a wife, Proverbs 31 spells it out for us. Us single woman though, good freaking luck. Am I doing what God requires of me? Am I supposed to live every day giving endlessly into a ministry that as of now, I am unaware of? WHAT IS GOD CALLING ME TO DO IF HE IS NOT GOING TO GIVE ME A HUSBAND??? How do I know if I am doing what I should be as a single person?
There is a story in 2 Chronicles where Jehoshaphat is trying to defeat the Moabites and the Ammonites, and the chance of the people of Judah and Jerusalem winning, is pretty much zero. Jehoshaphat gets up in front of all the people of Judah and Jerusalem and basically says, “Ay o, I have no idea how we are going to win this war, they totally got the upper hand on us and we all gonna’ die, but God can change this, He has done it before.” (this is paraphrased of course) At the end of Jehoshaphat’s speech he says, “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You.” (2Chronicles 20:12) And after this, the entire group stood still in front of God. Waiting. Expectant that the God who had led them to this point, would not fail them now. Then, the Spirit of the Lord fell upon one of the sons of Zechariah, and through this young boy, came the story of how God was going to walk two cities of people, into freedom. After the son of Zechariah finished prophesying, all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down and worshipped the Lord.
I have no idea what my future is going to hold. Right now, my life is a very scary and quite lonely time. Instead of being afraid, God let me ask. Are my hands clean? Is my heart pure? Am I sitting in the stillness listening for God? Make in me a heart that is undignified in worship to You. Create in me a clean heart, oh Lord. Release me of the grip the world has on my soul. My eyes are on You.
The Road Back Home 